I've decided that I'm not having kids. As with any decision, there are loses. Sometimes I have a pang of sadness but mostly, it feels right.
I was never someone who knew I just wanted kids. In my 20s, when friends would tell me about really feeling the desire to have a family, I'd ask about it. How do you know you want that? How did you figure it out? Inevitably they'd say they had always known or they never really thought about it, or they couldn't imagine life without it. These explanations just left me more muddled.
What was wrong with me that I couldn't feel that? I'd search my own inner world for these signs and come up with a non-feeling, a sense of blankness about it. And this was confusing because I also couldn't connect with the feeling of not wanting kids. It was just...nothing there.
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