Although grieving the death of a loved one is difficult, the grief of a relationship loss is more complex. It's important to understand how this type of grief is different and what we can do to heal.
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Ever wondered how to know if a relationship is right for you?
It’s a big one: is he the one I want to spend the rest of my life with? There are probably only a few other decisions that have such an impact on our happiness.
Considering the importance of this one, it’s amazing how little help we get in figuring out how to do it. Asking your partnered friends may result in advice like, ‘you just know’ or ‘you feel it or you don’t.’
In my groups for women going through breakup and divorce, I hear a lot of reflections on how people got together. Many women say they had a sense that it was what they should do, or that it was the best relationship they’d had so far, or that they assumed no one better would come along.
Surprisingly, we often make this decision without much awareness of how we're deciding, until it falls apart.
When we’ve been hurt by a divorce or breakup and are ready to risk getting close again, we’re usually in overdrive looking for red flags. The problem is, somehow the list of his troublesome qualities can begin to seem endless.
We’re all familiar with the prevailing wisdom that relationships take work. But how to sort out what relationship work is okay to accept and what isn’t? What parts of our issues are due to my (or his) baggage and what parts are real? Which red flags should I pay attention to and which should I let go?
Are you thinking, ‘yeah, those are good questions!?’
Click Here to hear me talk about how I’ve learned to navigate them for myself, post divorce and pre-second marriage later.
I’ll share how I stopped the search for red flags and learned to feel my boundaries, navigating relationship from a more empowered place. I’ll talk about how to keep taking the next step in getting closer and then checking in with your heart. And I’ll touch on how I deal with one of life’s hard truths: that failing at this doesn’t mean you made the wrong decision.
At the turn of the New Year 2012 I walked into the desert to make sense of my life. I've always felt at home in the desert; it calls me with its basin of sky, its harsh beauty, its way of mummifying the castles of dreamers. There is a challenge here for me to take up space in a way that confirms: I matter. It seemed a fitting place for my Vision Quest, a spiritual journey in the wilderness spent fasting for three days and four nights in a remote spot, alone.
Since my divorce and return from living in East Africa a few years before, I had been steadily dismantling the life I had built in service of becoming a psychotherapist. Years of living in survival mode juggling grad school and jobs, spending down my savings as I worked six day weeks, and returning to intern status had taken their toll. I was exhausted and sinking into self doubt. In my relationship, too, I faced a turning point; whether to take the next step or to let go.
I sought answers to these questions; what direction should my life take? What's my purpose? What's getting in my way?
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